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Where My Heart Was
by Vivien Steels

You know this hole in my chest Ė
thatís where my heart was.
I didnít think I could bear pain
wrapped like barbed wire around my bruised body.

The loss of you, Sylvie, my beautiful daughter
is the death of me Ė I donít think I can go on.

Today your father forced unwilling feet into work shoes,
after the case against your killer fell through,
like shifting sand down a desert pit.

We have joined a Bereavement Group.
Everyone means well, but here pain, nailed to a cross,
speaks its prayer to anyone who listens.
We all shut our eyes, opening our ears.

My heart keeps on beating even in a void.
I cannot sleep, cannot eat, cannot think.
Your room is just as it was Ė essence of you.
I open your jumper drawer,
burying my face in your fragrance.
Iím close to you then.

I have dreams. I kill him,
execute the man, who executed you.
I yearn to.

I go to the gym supposedly to lose weight,
but I need to be super-fit, a fighting-machine.
I have approached a vigilante group.
I want your killer killed,
want this pain avenged,
want you back.

Come back home, Sylvie,
laughing with love, dancing with joy,
singing with life, smiling your eternal smile Ė
you are always in my heart.

You know this hole in my chest Ė
thatís where my heart was


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