Walking Through The Fog
by Kentrell D Cox

     The veil of smoke that surrounds me
a few yards I only can see
     I yell for company but it’s only me I’m alone
I tell myself I’m okay but in my mind I know I’m wrong

     There’s a lot in this spot
Not enough time on the clock to explain the rot inside my body
     The decaying of life and relationships
All for the love of mistakes and ifs, IF?

See it’s that moment
     That moment of regret where you tried to do your best
But it didn’t hold, you understood your role and like 10,000 in ones
     you wouldn’t fold or couldn’t fold.
But you know the road and you know why
     you know the way, the route only you could take
The pain only you would make, the people only you could hate

     You know the stakes, not the one you eat or driven deep
I’m talking about the ones you gambled with.
     The ones you battled with in your adolescence.
No one to tell you how to handle it or how to manage it.
     No one to teach you how to heal from the damages
or teach you about power trips.
     That corner was always empty. Not just empty but desolate.
No residents, no animals, not even bugs in the crevasses.
     Pestilence was evident.
So am I alone? Yes. Sick to my bones? Yes.
     Thought that life would be better if I was gone? Yes.
Was I wrong? Yes.

     Contemplating death was just a test of my resolve
will I prevail or will I fall? Something so big felt so small,
     I wanted no part of it. I still wrestle with the thought of it.
But apart from it was like being nothing at all
     That's how I feel. Like nothing.
Like a tree in deep waters with no air
     or like a canned good with X amount of shelf life but no shelf.

I was missing something. A reason.
     A reason to keep breathing, so my mind committed treason
Because I was hopeless for a season. But things change.
     Something like when the tides and the roads change
or the people who you thought was real somehow was so fake.
     Or the family and friends you gave your all to grow estranged
after everything I’ve been through you would think that I know the game
     But it still hurts.
The fact that I lost you and you still alive make me feel worse.
     And that’s one thing I was never taught in life
how to heal hurt. So I’ve bottled it up.
     On the outside I seem happy but on the inside everything’s knotted up
I'm not consumed by my griefs, pains, hurts, regrets and failures.
     I’m engulfed in it. Every day it’s hard to see the light through
all the fog. But I still walk in it.



Editor’s Note: Kentrell D Cox is incarcerated in the Florida Department of Corrections Prison System.



 

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